https://mcdn.podbean.com/mf/web/jd5ka9/goodmanfinal_-_7_25_22_501_PManlr6.mp3
EPISODE SUMMARY:
Whitney Goodman is a mother, therapist and author striving to remove harmful stigmas and improve social conversations surrounding mental health. In today’s episode, we sat down with Whitney to discuss toxic positivity, dealing with toxic positivity in relationships, setting boundaries, and the concept of replacing toxic positivity with understanding.
First, we asked Whitney about the concept of toxic positivity and how she got involved in it. She explained that toxic positivity is the pressure we put on both ourselves and others to be happy all of the time, even in the face of conflict and issues. Whitney first noticed toxic positivity through social media. While using her Instagram page to promote her therapy practice, she discovered a side of the internet full of posts of toxic positivity. After having conversations with others about it and even noticing behaviors of toxic positivity in her clients, she decided to start writing about the issue. Her desire to vocalize her thoughts on toxic positivity grew, and eventually, she released her latest book, Toxic Positivity. Within the realm of toxic positivity, one of the most common phrases Whitney hears is “it could be worse”. When asked why that wording is so dangerous, she said that it isn’t the motivational speech some people intend for it to be. Rather than help, it gives those who are struggling more to worry about and makes them feel invalidated. “It could be worse” creates the cycle of feeling like you have to be grateful that things are not as bad as they could be and then pushing aside your own emotions out of guilt of feeling upset.
Toxic positivity is driven by a number of factors, from the urge to avoid certain issues to feeling like you’re unequipped to help someone any other way. However, Whitney told us one of the most common reasons people use toxic positivity is because it’s the only way they know how to help. To those engaging with it, they feel it is the right and best way to handle situations, since that’s how they were taught to deal with their own problems. It’s rarely ever done in a malicious way, however the effects of toxic positivity can be negative for one’s mental and emotional help. For many people, toxic positivity can drive them into isolation. When you think everyone around you is doing well and you aren’t, it makes you feel alone, causing you to pull away from others. Sharing your feelings and being met with invalidation is even worse, and it’s a reason why those faced with toxic positivity can sometimes suppress their emotions. However, research shows that pushing down emotions doesn’t make them go away. If anything, the opposite occurs. Chronically suppressing emotions causes them to intensify, and over time, they can come out in a variety of physical, emotional, and mental ways.
When it comes to dealing with toxicity in romantic relationships, Whitney emphasized that it’s important to validate someone who is struggling. If someone in a bad relationship shares their struggles and is met with responses telling them others have it worse or that things will just get better, they feel like they have no choice but stay. It instills the idea that their feelings aren’t valid and that if they simply wait it out, their relationship will change. If your impulse to someone approaching you with their issues is to respond with toxic positivity, it’s important to self-reflect and figure out if you truly understand what is going on with the other person or if you need to set a boundary. Setting boundaries can feel difficult, but it’s important to ensure that when you give advice, it’s because it’s being asked for. Rather than immediately offering input, it’s best to come from a nonjudgmental place and ensure someone that you’re there if they ever need to talk. This keeps the door open for future communication and prevents someone from feeling invalidated.
For toxic positivity in the workplace, Whitney explained that it happens most often in large group settings, when a boss wants their employees to all think and act the same way. Whitney said the best way to combat this is for company leaders to create a work environment where everyone can share their emotions and feel supported doing so. Toxic positivity can also appear in instances of someone experiencing a loss and seeking guidance and comfort from others. Instead of simply telling someone it will get better or that others have it worse, try and approach them with understanding, empathy, and compassion. Good questions to ask are “What’s the hardest part for you?” and “How can I be there?” It’s also acceptable to just sit with them in the silence, letting them lead the conversation instead of trying to offer your thoughts. A common but problematic way many respond when someone shares their issues with them is to try and one-up the conversation with their own struggles. One-uppers are people who often don’t receive validation in their own lives, and as a result seek it out in other ways. A good strategy to overcome the issue of one-upping is to find a healthy outlet to share your struggles so that you don’t unintentionally invalidate another person’s.
Many people struggle with feeling ashamed for complaining about their problems. When asked about how to deal with the guilt, Whitney said that it’s important to teach yourself that you can be grateful for something and complain at the same time. Especially for women, who are often taught from very young ages that complaining isn’t allowed and that they need to prioritize others over themselves. By being authentic with your feelings and showing both your gratitude and complaints, it shows others that they can be the same, helping to alleviate the stigma surrounding sharing our true emotions. For many people who engage with toxic positivity, they use it as a route to achieve happiness. However, Whitney explained that this path can actually lead to the suppression of emotions, since so much energy is put into being positive about every aspect of one’s life. This suppression prevents someone from achieving the happiness they’re striving for and can even lead to burnout. Burnout happens to those who suppress feelings and who take on too much at one time, like women are caregivers. When burnout occurs, people seek quick fixes that allow them to continue piling onto their plates. However, Whitney emphasized it’s important during burnout to look at your life as a whole and find the areas you need more help in and where you’re taking on too much.
When asked about radical acceptance, Whitney said that it’s the concept of accepting all of life, including the good, bad, and neutral. Through this perspective, a person can see changes they’d like to make and help reshape their minds from toxic positivity. During the pandemic, Whitney noticed a lot of people partaking in toxic positivity, prompting her to want to discuss it more and write her book, Toxic Positivity. She told us that since the book was released, the responses have been mixed. Some people have found it helpful, others believe the complete opposite, and some are neutral and want to learn more about it. Finally, we asked Whitney about when you know it’s time to end a relationship. She explained that while some relationships end organically, others involve issues or a crossed boundary. Whitney said it’s important to express yourself in a relationship and, if you believe it needs to end, be open about why you want to step back and set boundaries.
Whitney Goodman
Whitney Goodman is the radically honest psychotherapist behind the hugely popular Instagram account @sitwithwhit, the author of Toxic Positivity, and the owner of The Collaborative Counseling Center, a private therapy practice in Miami, FL. She helps people who want to improve their relationships and emotional awareness.
Whitney earned her undergraduate degree at Tulane University and a graduate degree in Counseling Psychology from The University of Miami. She has additional training and certifications in working with couples, trauma, and clients who have been diagnosed with chronic illness. Whitney has her own column in Psychology Today and has been featured in dozens of domestic and international publications, including The New York Times, Teen Vogue, NY Magazine, Instyle, and Good Morning America.
Whitney is a millennial on a quest to make mental health information accessible and easy to understand. She rejects the idea that a therapist should be a blank slate and believes that authenticity and emotional expression are the keys to living a full life. Whitney fully embraces her successes, humanity, and struggles and strives for authenticity in everything she does
Whitney lives in Miami, FL with her husband, their son, and two dogs, Luna and Charlie.
In this episode, we discuss…
- [0:01] Bossa Bars
- [0:45] Guest Introduction
- [5:11] Start of Interview
- [5:46] What is Toxic Positivity?
- [8:31] The Drive Behind Toxic Positivity and Feeling Isolated
- [11:17] Toxic Positivity in Relationships
- [13:13] Setting Boundaries
- [15:40] Toxic Positivity in Work Environments
- [17:16] Replacing Toxic Positivity for Understanding
- [20:09] One-Upping Complaining
- [21:46] Dealing with Shame
- [23:34] The Connection of Positivity to Happiness and Burnout
- [25:41] Radical Acceptance
- [27:35] Toxic Positivity
- [29:40] Ending a Relationship
- [30:47] Closing Thoughts
- [32:04] Outro
Useful Resources:
Whitney’s Website I [https://sitwithwhit.com/]
Whitney’s Instagram I [https://www.instagram.com/sitwithwhit/]
Whitney’s Twitter I [https://twitter.com/sitwithwhit]
Whitney’s Book
Toxic Positivity I [https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Positivity-Keeping-World-Obsessed/dp/0593418271/ref=sr_1_2?crid=3D8NGZXHB853K&keywords=toxic+positivity&qid=1637259717&sprefix=toxic+po%2Caps%2C182&sr=8-2]
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