Audio Episode: LINK

YouTube Series: LINK

TRANSCRIPT:

Colleen: Welcome to Hot Flashes and Cool Topics Podcast,

The Voice for Women in Midlife and Beyond. My name is Colleen.

Bridgett: My name is Bridgett

Colleen: And we are continuing with our YouTube series, Which means this episode will be up

on our audio and also on our YouTube channel for next week And this topic is going

to be people -pleasing now as we mentioned with our series We are talking about

things that women over 50 want to know want to talk about and people -pleasing is a

very big Issues were younger.

Bridgett:  I don’t think it’s as big of an issue not as big It

takes a long time to get over that. You know, I don’t know if this is the case

for women, but I think it’s both men and women, but I feel like as a child you’re

just trying to please the adult in your life. It feels good when somebody’s happy

with you and happy about what you’re doing. You try to please the teacher, you try

to please your boss, your coach, whatever your team’s on, and so I don’t of that

positive feedback is good, it feels good, and so you just kind of continue it.

Colleen: Probably. And you get, like you said, you get positive reinforcement, so you’re going

to continue doing it. But as we get older, I don’t know if the estrogen leaves,

so does the need to please leave because it’s really not something, I was one of

the like literally OG people pleasers. The Worst thing I could ever feel

was if I made somebody sad. I never wanted someone to be hurt because of something

I did or said. So I was really cognizant of always making sure that I was kind,

I was nice. I said, yes, when I really wanted to say no. And that’s a big thing

for people pleasers. You want to– you just say yes without even taking the second

to think about it. And – Miss Congeniality here, I’m not kidding.

Bridgett: – She was voted, when she told me she was voted Miss Congenial of her senior class,

I laughed.

Colleen: – I know, ’cause I would not be chosen now for that, but it took a

long time. – Yeah, yeah. – I think as you start to get children and you see that

they’re acting that way, that’s when you go, “Oh, did I teach you that?” – Yes.

Bridgett:- Yeah, that’s it. I think my daughter is pretty good about not being a people pleaser.

Colleen: No,

you’re talking Maggie, you are not a people pleaser. Yeah. What about Jack?

Bridgett: I think there are times that he might have been,

and then there’s times where he was like, I’ve had it. You know, I’ve had it, and

I’m not doing it. It is something when you get older, I think another thing, it

could be the estrogen leaving, but it could also be, you have found that that

doesn’t always work for you. You have found that it has not paid off.

You’re exhausted. People don’t do it back to you. So you’re like, why am I doing

this become more self-aware?  You also see other friends that they’re

they’re very honest and they’re not trying to people please but they’re just sharing

their truth. And then you kind of have some respect for that that like, “Hey, I’m

just too tired to go to this tonight. I’m so sorry we’re exhausted. It’s not that

they don’t like you. It’s not anything you understand. Hey, you know what? I have

felt like that before and I get it, that you are tired and you’re exhausted or

you’ve got other things going on.” So, I get it. A little more relatable, I guess.

Colleen: But we thought we would start with, you know, people pleasing is putting other

people’s needs head of their own. So you’re always agreeable. Like I said before,

you’re always saying yes. But here’s some questions that I found. And I thought that

Bridgett and I would answer them.

You can always email us at

[email protected] or check our show notes on our website hotflashescooltopics.com. So let’s get started with the questions. I’ll ask them you

answer them. Number one, do you have a difficult time saying no?

Bridgett: Yes, I

do. Yes. No. Listen to me. I just answered yes. Yes. I have a difficult time

saying no. Even now. Better. I’m better than I used to be. But oh, I would say

yes to everything. Everything. Like 20 year old Bridgett would say yes to everything.

Oh, yeah, or and even when I was in my 30s, you know when your children are

little and they’re asking for volunteers and you feel like nobody else is going to

step up and if you don’t step up then this isn’t going to happen and your kids

won’t get to have this like swim team, head of the swim team and PTA president all

that stuff and I’m like, oh So that’s behind me that all it’s doing is depleting

our energy and our time away from our family.

Colleen: So I would say

that I had a real difficult time saying no until I was about 40. And then I

discovered the word no is a complete sentence. And if you want to be polite, no,

thank you. I usually say no, thank you because I was raised polite. But again, no

is a complete sentence. So I would say since I’ve been about 40, I found it a lot

easier to say no. One of the tips that I when I was getting ready for this

conversation that I found helpful was that don’t give a yes or no right

away. Research shows that if you take a little bit of time between the question and

saying I’ll get back to you or I have to ask, my check with my husband or my

schedule, it has a more positive experience for you and you’re more likely to say

no. So don’t react when someone goes can you drop this off or can you bring

bring this here? Can you go out with us at 11 o ‘clock at night? Which it’s

Bridgett knows me. Well, it would be a no for me now.

Bridgett: Now, when I was 20, it

would probably be, yeah, but wait, I’ll be there.

Colleen: Yeah. I didn’t even in my 20s

like nighttime. But um, so take a second. Say, you know, what can I get back to

you on this? You don’t have to answer right away. It’ll give you a little bit of

time to think about what you want, what you need, and What’s best for you because

again you are allowed to put yourself as a priority, right?

So I would say I

stopped doing that around 40.

Bridgett: I was more toward 45, 50 probably more than 50 Yeah,

but we both did say yes We did if you’re answering yes right away to that chances

are you’re people please.

Colleen: Oh, yeah number two:  Are you preoccupied with about what

other people think of you?

Bridgett: You know, it’s again with with my age. I am – Not now,

but I was, yeah, I was.

Colleen:  So I think it’s a natural thing as you get when

you’re in your 20s and 30s. Honestly, when I heard the sentence that what you think

of me is none of my business. That was like one of Oprah’s aha moments.

Bridgett: It’s hard to get by, you know, past that

because you cannot control what somebody else thinks about you. You can’t do that.

So it’s kind of like let and go of some control. And it is amazing that you just

don’t and you let it go. Like I don’t care now. The only people I really care

about what they think about me as my husband and my children.

Colleen: – Exactly. – I mean,

really.

– Because otherwise it’s just wasting energy. And you know as we get a little older,

that energy is valuable. And, but I do remember in my youth,

being with a group of women and saying, “Oh gosh, what do they think?” You know

what I mean? What a waste of energy. Who cares?

Bridgett: – And it’s harder when you’re

younger and you have a job that you have to do, and you’ve got people you have to

work with, and that can affect how your career is going, you know,

no matter what. It can affect that people even make up preconceived notions about

you that they don’t even know.

Colleen:  Right, exactly. Before you walk in the door there,

they have an idea about you.

Bridgett: Yeah. So I think, again, younger, yes,

older, not even a little bit. Right. I mean, it’s like, I do not care.

Colleen: – And

remember, if you’re saying yes to that, what, you could do everything right and

someone could still have a bad opinion of you, okay? And when I say right, right

in your mind, okay? You could do everything. – Right for you. That feels good for

you. – And all you’ve done is deplete your own energy and that person’s still

talking about you. And who cares? So you do start, like Bridgett said, to prioritize who

is really important in your life, that their opinions matter, and you know, most

people do not. Number three, you feel guilty when you say no.

Bridgett: I did.

I did. I think you still have that a little bit. A little bit. Yes. Yes. That’s

all right because she’s sweet and she doesn’t want to hurt you. I don’t. And it’s

usually if it’s something I want to do and I cannot do, I feel really bad saying

no. Did I? Like for example, we have an interview coming up next Monday and I

really want to be there but I already had this trip planned and that is right when

my flight is taking off and I feel guilty and sad because I don’t want to miss it

right, but there’s not a lot I can do about it so prioritize your time with your

husband it is yeah I mean I’m not gonna cancel that trip.

Colleen:  I would let you ca

Bridgett:  I was also like I actually looked into changing my flight but it was going to

be ridiculous like six in the morning or ten at night I was like I’m not doing

that, she’s got this.

Colleen:  but again if you have a good teammate, thatcould be your spouse, that could be another friend who like you can say to some a friend of yours “listen if I start saying yes too

Much, let me know, pull me over now and say,  okay you need to back off your people pleasing

a little too much.”  You know make that help really can make a difference support

systems really make a difference and good friendships Like we always talk about make

a huge difference because if they are depleting you of energy. It’s give and take

friendships are give and take if you’re only giving and they’re taking, There’s something wrong

in your math there because they’re supposed to be giving back to you. And if that’s

not happening, then your people pleasing is depleting you and that’s not what we

want to hear. So we want to know the answer to that. Okay, another one, do you

think you have low self -esteem or did you have low self -esteem?

Bridgett: – There’s been

times when I’ve had low self -esteem. You know, it’s funny, I

always think about like, when did I have the most confidence? And I think it was

when I was eight years old. And I always go, golly, if I could just get back to

eight -year -old Bridgett’s confidence, then that would be so fantastic. Before you were

looking at the magazines here and they were saying… Oh yeah, just running around

climbing trees and whatever and just didn’t care.

But it comes and goes. It just comes and goes.

Colleen: I agree. I think I notice it when

I look at pictures of myself in my 20s and 30s and say, “What did you have to

complain about?” Like I would say my thighs were bigger, my stomach was bigger. What

are you insane? Like you should have been walking around naked most of the time,

you know? And I don’t say that in a way that it’s got to be on the outside, but

I wish I had that self -esteem inside to walk with the confidence that I should

have had. Because we walk now feeling pretty good about ourselves. Yeah,

yeah.

Bridgett: Like just saying we’re healthy because when you hit your 50s more about health

than what size you are or your appearance, outward appearances or whatever.

You just want to be healthy. You want to be around. You can see your grandchildren

just like she’s going to soon. So you know that that’s what you want to do.

And it is something too, I feel like so many people put this emphasis on outward

appearances and it is really strange to me where really for me the most joy I get

is being with people and laughing. That is the most joy. I don’t care what you

look like. I mean if you’re making me laugh then you know that’s attractive. That’s

attractive. That’s not and not making fun of other people. You know it’s laughing

with you know.

Colleen: – Well, and I think, you know, when

you’re in a group of people who are having a conversation, and negativity is just

constantly being said by people, that’s a turn off.

Bridgett: – It’s a turn off that brings

you down. There’s time to vent, and there is

time for that. Like, sometimes, you know, we’re like, we gotta get together, we have

talk, we got a vent. – Right. – But then, you’re right. Constant negativity can

really bring you down.

Colleen: And if you’re a people -pleaser, you’re gonna pretend to

agree.

Bridgett: Yes Oh, that is such a big one. Yeah, you’re gonna pretend to agree You’re

right You’re gonna pretend to agree because you don’t want that person mad at you

and then you feel like crap after you’ve left that Conversation like it’s not what

I meant.

Colleen: – Big people pleaser retreat. If you’re

saying yes to things you really don’t agree with, you have to stop and think, why

am I doing that? Well, I’m trying to please them. Well, I’m trying to win their

approval. There’s no contest. You don’t need to win anybody’s approval, but your own.

You have to put yourself first. And I had, I saw a quote that said, “It’s not

your job to like me, it’s mine.”

Bridgett:  – Yeah, oh, that’s good. That’s good. – Just

saying. – That’s a good quote I like that

Colleen:  there’s one more, did you

find it that you don’t have enough free time because you’re saying yes?

Bridgett:  oh my gosh

Yes!  not so much anymore but I did! Oh my gosh when I if I could

do something different you know usually you have no regrets

Colleen:  shoulda coulda woulda

Bridgett: shoulda coulda woulda I would have said no so much more when my children were

younger definitely.

Colleen: I agree with you. I think we spent so much time saying yes to

birthday parties and yes to events at school to volunteer and saying yes to

sleepovers and play dates and of course it was all for our children and that was

wonderful but it drained us. Like we never took time to say okay I just need 20

minutes. Yeah. To sit here and and kind of recharge myself.

Bridgett: Right. I barely slept because I was teaching, but I wanted to exercise. So I’d get up at

five and go whatever, run or go to the gym and come back, shower, get my kids

ready, go to school, take them to practice, whatever they asked me to do for

school.

Colleen: – To be the perfect mom.

Bridgett: – Oh yeah, and you know, I always say there is no

shaming like mom’s shaming.

Colleen: – Oh my goodness, no.

Bridgett:- And I think that’s probably why

I did. I didn’t want these other moms to say crap about me, which they probably

did anyway.

Colleen: – Right, they found a way, trust me.

Bridgett – They found a way, yeah, and I know who you

are.

Colleen: So. – You know what was interesting was that one of the causes, they say is a past

trauma.

Bridgett: – Oh, oh sure.

Colleen:  – So if you did something and the response was, I don’t

approve of you, you did that wrong, you’re bad, you know, whatever the case may be,

that past trauma subconsciously is making you become a people pleaser because you

don’t want to experience that. Right, right. Isn’t that interesting?

Bridgett: Yes, was a situation

where I was taking a new job and I had interviewed for the new job,

but they didn’t tell me that I had the new job, Until it was a school year, till

my time was up to turn in my resignation And it put me in this tough spot because

the new job was going to pay quite a bit more and They didn’t tell me I got the

job, but I thought well, maybe I should go ahead. I don’t know for sure I have

the job. I went ahead and told the principal and that principal,  whom I had never worked for before, she was a new principal

was so Hateful and rude to me. I just met her and she was terrifying,

it was terrifying. She had no compassion, and was at a Christian school. So much for that!  And I remember, you know, if the new job had told me three days earlier

that I had the job, I would have resigned earlier, but they put it, both school systems

put me in a bad spot.

Colleen: – And you were trying to people please both?

Bridgett:  – Oh yeah, I

mean, I would have, I really would have told, oh, my teachers aid got mad at me

and all this crap. I mean, it was such crap the way others behaved,  when it was a personal decision. And

And I always think about that too.

Colleen:  but you’ve got a little trauma.

Bridgett: I do have

trauma and I think about that like with for example, when coaches leave a certain

team and go to another team, people lose their minds when let’s be honest,

that is nobody’s business except for that coach and what is going on in their lives.

You have no idea what’s going on and yeah, they didn’t care, they are not people pleasers

Bridgett: no oh gosh oh my gosh it really was a turn

off to where I formally worked.

Colleen: yes, we’re younger it’s the perfectionism it’s wanting to be the perfect mom, the perfect

Wife, the perfect employee, perfect boss, the perfect

whatever and have the perfect house in the perfect, you know, there’s no such

thing as perfect. And your idea perfect is not my idea of perfect and it’s not

your idea of perfect.

Bridgett: So, you’re never going to be perfect anyway. Let

it go. Let it go.

Colleen: So a lot of times when we are people pleasers,

and I know I’ve experienced this, you either get angry and frustrated, or you

actually like get so stressed you can’t sleep, or eat or ruminate and you become

inauthentic.

Bridgett: I think that’s a huge thing. You’re not living your true authentic self.

If you’re so concerned about making other people like you,

you don’t like you.  Right, it’s so hard because then you don’t even know your

authentic self. Like you won’t even know who that is. ]

When people try to put you up to asking something or doing something that you

don’t want to do. Yes. And you do it to people, please. Oh my gosh. That’s like

the… I hate that. I hate that.

Colleen: That is one thing I’ve learned to say no to.

It’s definitely a privilege we get as we get older, because I remember years and

years ago when my husband was working for law firms having to go to certain dinners

and certain events. And that poor man would listen in the car the whole time. I

was like, I can’t believe I have to go to this. I’m gonna be home with the kids.

And I look back now and I’m like, you know, we had to say yes to those things.

Yeah. But we have the privilege now of not having to say yes to stuff. Right. And

I’m so grateful for that. Especially if it happens like after 10 o

‘clock.

Bridgett: And I feel like a lot of places are a lot

more accepting of that now. Yes. That they don’t expect your spouse to be anywhere

because your spouse may have a place where they need to be.

Colleen: I know it’s like a work -life balance. I don’t think that really

existed when.

Bridgett: It didn’t real. No, I think, you know, that was something that was

taught that you could do everything and you could, you could bring on the bacon

fry up in a pan and all that stuff. Right. And that has really like,

you just can’t to it. You’re going to run yourself ragged and you have zero time

for yourself.

Colleen:  So we’ve talked about the aspects of becoming a people pleaser. We’ve

talked about what it does to you. Now, how can you get out of that cycle of

people pleasing? And one of the things they say, whoever they is, and we do have

an episode, and I’m forgetting the date, but we’ll put it in the show notes. Yeah.

Or we did a people pleasing episode.

Bridett: It was Natalie Rue. Was it Natalie Rue? And

she, she’s the one that also said, I think, um, the one about,

“let me get back to you.”

Colleen: Let’s start with something, start small. You’re not going to set a

boundary on everything for everyone at one time, because you’re not going to be able

to do that. So if you can’t handle saying no to something, start small,

something simple to say no to and do it by text. Don’t start in person. That’s

right. They say try doing it in text. Like if

someone says you can you bring the brownies tomorrow and it’s nine o ‘clock at night

and you don’t have any ingredients, you can say no. I’m sorry. Let’s see. I immediately go to,

I’m sorry.

Bridgett:  I know. I do that too. I do. I do that too.

Colleen:  So start small. Start

by texting and then maybe you decide to go into, okay, now I’m gonna say no in

person. Well, you’re not gonna do it to your best friend and you’re not gonna do

it to your boss, but maybe you go to a restaurant and you didn’t like the food

and you say, “No, I didn’t like this.” Or, “Well, we think you should have this

with you.” No, thank you. (laughing) No, I don’t want this on my plate.

I want what I want. So start small and don’t try to just make all these huge

changes in your life right away because they won’t last. And another thing is, we

talked about boundaries. First, before you can set boundaries, you need to know what

your boundaries are. – Right. – So you have to kind of take some time to yourself

and be comfortable being by yourself and saying, what makes me happy? What doesn’t

make me happy? When do I feel the most stressed? In a perfect world, who would I

say yes to and who would I say no to, like find what works for you in your

boundaries. And then once you know what they are, then you can implement them.

Bridgett: Sometimes it is hard to know what those boundaries are. And usually you have to

experience something that you do not like experiencing. And then you realize, I don’t

like that. I’m going to set a boundary now.

Colleen: Yeah. And then think about, and when

you’re doing the boundaries, think about your priorities. Are your priorities to spend

more time at home with your spouse is your priority to spend more time on the

pickle ball court ,is your priority,  what makes you happy and in doing so carve

out that time of day so maybe from 4:00-6:00, you don’t answer your phone, you

don’t respond to people and you take that time like I do to float in the pool on

on my pizza float or just to turn your phone off you know. Obviously, if

you have kids, you can put it on, you know, vibrate, but just kind of cut out

that time for yourself to say, “I’ve earned no contact for the next hour with

anyone or anything.”

Bridgett: Right. Yeah. That is amazing. You know, the no contact thing is

somethingthat goes deeper, not only just for a few hours. Yes. But, you know, if there’s

somebody that you keep doing no contact with, it just made me think Of our breakup

episode. Yes, it made me think of that, but I used to donate blood all the time. I

used to donate it all the time and they would call me as soon as I could donate

again. And you felt badly saying no. Well, it took me passing out and having an

irregular heartbeat and low iron to finally see you have got to take me off the donate list. Colleen: You were

almost hospitalized.

Bridgett: I was  and my husband too.  My husband had to finally stop donating too.

Like he went in, his iron was low because he kept giving so much. I mean, that’s

an example, giving blood is important. It is very important if you can do that. But

when it puts you at risk, it’s time to say no, and I’ve finally learned to say no

to that. But there are situations where you’re just like, like you said, no contact.

I know who this is going to be. We used to call them the vampires. The vampires

are calling us.

Colleen: The vampire energy suckers. And so in doing that,

again, if you are going to not turn your phone off and you are going to read the

text, don’t respond right away. Okay. Take a few minutes, sit with it. Who is

asking you? Why are they asking you? Are they asking you because you always say

yes?

Bridgett: Is it one of the, You know friends that never reciprocates.

Colleen: Yeah reciprocate

because it has to be given take Is it one of the people at work that always know

you’re gonna be the one to bring the birthday cake for so -and -so’s birthday? Is it

what take time to say? Okay? What is who asking me? Why are they asking me and is

this something that’s happening a lot? And I need to set a boundary for my own

mental and physical well -being Because you’re allowed to do that at any I mean it

took us 50 -plus years to figure this out. We don’t want our daughters to have to

figure it out that That take that long. Yeah, and that also leads to am I only

giving it might not receiving as well And if you are in a situation where you have

a friendship per se that you’re only giving, giving, giving and never receiving.

Well, then go back to our other cool topics episode where we talk about how to

break up with a friend.

Bridgett:  Right because you can do that,  it’s horrible but you

can get through it and you will actually benefit at the end because you will be

happier and healthier and you’ll move on to a more positive relationship with the

next person.

Colleen:  and again some people don’t like to be alone. If you’re people

pleasing and don’t like to be alone that’s really hard.

Bridgett:  Yes, then you may ruminate about what happened and think “well now they’re mad at me” – Who cares? Just get you a

book or put on a movie, get you a funny book, listen to some music, go for a

walk, take your mind off of it.

Colleen: – One of the privileges that we have earned, and

we always talk about our privileges that we’ve earned, is alone time without regret.

Bridgett: – Oh, God, yes, alone time without regret.

Colleen: – It’s okay for you to stop what you’re

doing and turn on the secret lives of Mormon wives which I just finished. Watch it

up like you’ve earned that right

Bridgett: or,  if you’re by yourself you can go

to the bathroom without closing the door.

Colleen: Oh my god. I never closed the door

because I had daughters. They never let me go on my own.

Bridgett: No it’s so funny like my

husband had a meeting today and yesterday he was gone all day to a meeting. I’m

not closing the bathroom door! look at that,  look at this how much fun I never knew

I’d have so much fun not closing the bathroom door! Well I grew up in a huge family,  with a lot of family

you know, golly you’d have your hand on the door or someone would really bust that door the lock wouldn’t

work, all that stuff anyway, it’s the little things that can make you happy!

and you

know we hope that some of this resonated with you.

Colleen: We hope that some of the suggestions or things that you

can apply, we would love to hear your thoughts. So if you want to email us,

just mention it before, but we’ll mention it again, [email protected]. You can let us know your thoughts. If there’s a topic you feel like

you’ve earned the right to talk about in your 50s and beyond, let us know because

we’re happy to include that topic in our next discussion. We’re happy to include that in our topics going forward. We always love

hearing from our listeners and engaging. So we hope to hear from you very soon.

Until then, have a great week, guys. We’ll talk to you next time. – Bye.