We are starting a series called Freedoms in your 50’s. It will be a collection of essays about freedoms that we earn in our 50’s. Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below. If you would like to receive notifications when the blog is posted, please add your name to our email list. Thanks, Colleen
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The Beautiful Sound of Silence:
My brain has always been a busy place, filled with multitasking plans, analyzing decisions and worrying about everyone I love. There was always something to think about; quiet moments were not in my realm of consciousness until I reached my 50’s. When was there time for silence?
How am I going to finish all this crap for class and my finals?
In my 20’s, my brain was filled with more self-centered thoughts.
Why did I agree to go to law school?
Do I really want to go to law school?
Who planned my wedding two months after the bar exam?
How do I survive the first year of marriage and working 60 hours a week?
Is working 60 hour work week affecting my ability to get pregnant?
Does the judge mind if I puke in his courtroom and explain that I have morning sickness?
You get the idea. My brain was like a major highway with cars speeding well past the speed limit to get to where they needed to go. I would rarely catch the thought long enough to follow through with it. Thoughts of surviving college and law school, climbing the corporate ladder and trying to become a mom played ping pong inside my brain to the point where migraines were a common place. A quiet mind was not an option nor a luxury, it just didn’t have space.
My 30’s were a time when the thoughts shifted to my children and family. My head and all the thoughts in it were consumed with my girls, my husband and our little family dynamic.
Will they ever sleep through the night?
How many birthday parties can two children go to in one weekend?
Are they happy?
Are they hitting milestones properly?
Why does Barney keep saying he loves me?
Are they ready for preschool?
Why was I worried about preschool, are they ready for middle school?
My mind was still like that major highway but this time at a complete backup. Thoughts were piled on top of each other and pushed towards a total and complete state of mental exhaustion. I worried and overanalyzed every decision about my children, their happiness and the family we were building. Can a brain’s engine quit from overuse and lack of sleep?
When I hit my 40’s, my brain revolted. The teenage years were overwhelmingly wonderful and chaotic and challenging. My brain was filled with thoughts that were simultaneously of survival and of my reaction to stress. I had a daughter with a severe eating disorder, my father was dying and I was trying to cope with all that while still trying to be mother of the year.
Why is she not eating?
Why can’t the doctors do more; what can I do more?
How do I handle this and dad dying?
How do I grieve?
How is her sister coping with all this?
Is she healthy enough to leave for college?
It was the hardest time of my life physically and emotionally. My brain was firing on all cylinders and was triggered into an anxiety disorder with panic attacks as an added bonus. I was still on that jam-packed highway fighting to get off at the nearest exit. I needed it all to slow down.
Now in the start of my 50s, I can see that exit. Yes, my brain has moments of chaos but now I see an equal amount of time for silence. Beautiful, sweet silence. I have worked very hard to focus on present moments and not ruminate over events that may or may not happen in the future and my brain is grateful for the switch.
How do I start planning my daughter’s wedding?
Should I jump in and start a podcast?
Are the girls ready for independent adulthood?
Are they happy? That’s a question I think I will always ask.
The silence offers me some peace and quiets the running engine in my head. I have discovered that your brain can be silent without being lonely. You can sit quietly without the phone, tv or computer on and just be still. Let your mind grow quiet to all the noise and just focus on your breath. If I tried to find silence in those earlier years, the chance of it working would have been slim to none. It is a gift I am grateful I have begun to give myself in my 50’s. I have no delusions that this may not change in the next crisis, but for now I will appreciate it. Try it sometime, you might just like it.
Interesting! Just published my blog article too – how I spent 2 days in silence in Sedona, alone!
So I can relate ?
I love the topic!
Looks like you ha r a podcast?
How can I subscribe and listen?
I will go check our your blog as well! We do have a podcast called Hot Flashes & Cool Topics and you can subscribe and listen on Apple Podcast, iTunes, Google Podcast, Spotify, Instagram link or our website. Pretty much anywhere there are podcasts. Thanks so much for your reply and for subscribing.
This was such a great post. I can relate to all of it. I often say I don’t even remember my 30s because they were so consumed with my daughter. I don’t even think I looked up for the first 3 years of her life because she was toddling around and my eyes were always on her! : ) When I turned 40 I started to be aware of life around me again, and it was tumultuous as my daughter went from high schooler off to college. I definitely feel more calm in my 50’s, and totally get what your saying about being able to think again. I feel like a person (not a mom, wife, problem solver, for the first time in a long time : )
My thoughts exactly Peta! Thanks for responding.
I’ve had this same conversations with friends, I think I devoted too much of myself to my son
(only child) while he was growing up.
My late fifties and early sixties have been a whirlwind of activity too, losing 2 sisters a year apart, retirement, traveling, moving to a new city, taking care of an aging parent and pitching in to help out with grandbabies. However, I do have more silence in my head than ever before! I feel sixties will be my best decade yet. I do feel happier than ever before. Thanks for your podcast and blog!
Thank you for sharing your experiences and how they have affected your journey. It leads to some interesting conversations! I hope you follow the blog and the podcast and continue to share.
So relatable! It’s funny, a song will come on that I’ve never heard and learned that it was released in the ’90s. My response is always I was too busy with kids, working and maintaining a house to know what was going on in the world. It does feel good to be at this stage of life and be able to breathe and listen to whatever music I want:)
Xx Melanie
The 90s were a blur for many of us. At least now we get the benefit of SiruisXM for our listening pleasure! Thanks for taking the time to comment.
I’m about a decade behind you. I didn’t become a mom (through adoption) until I was 38 years old. Went through divorce in my late 40’s and was finishing grad school and looking for a job in my 50’s. I just started my 60’s and am finally ready for some silence. Great post!
It sounds like you have earned some well-deserved silence. I love to hear stories of women who welcome change and don’t let age define what we do or when we do it! Thank you for sharing your story!
I’m in my 40’s and fully understand the restless mind of the early years. There was always something that pulled my thoughts outward and dealing with depression didn’t help with any of it. Now that my son is older (tho he will always occupy a part of my thoughts) I can take the time for myself that it didn’t even occur to me to take when he was younger. I’ve made some big changes lately and, while it stirs up the thoughts at times, I’m much more capable of slowing down and dealing with them. Being able to focus on myself is rather enjoyable and I discover new things about myself all the time!
That is a beautiful description of this stage of life. It is fun to rediscover yourself! Thank you.
I’ve always loved quiet—maybe why I became a librarian???
But seriously I don’t like having a tv on in the background or even music in the car. It can distract me. I think some people are just really auditory and hear every little thing. But I do like listening to books and podcasts a lot!
Completely agree, ambient noise can be so distracting. If you like podcasts, check ours out Hot Flashes & Cool Topics. Thanks for sharing!
Silence is one of the underestimated attribute but is equally important for everyone,
We agree and thanks for sharing.