Dani Alpert: Episode Link
Transcript:
Bridgett: Welcome back to Hot Flashes and Cool Topics everybody we have back a guest that we
had I think our first season on Dani Alpert and she has written another book. She
had written The Girlfriend Mom but now we’re going to talk about Hello, Who is This,
Margaret? So here is a copy of her book for anybody watching the video and welcome
back to Hot Flashes and Cool Topics.
Dani: I am so happy to be back. I think that was
your first season.
Bridgett: I think it was. I wasn’t in a closet then. I was like out in
a room. And yeah, so now I’m in my closet with my Amazon pads and my Cher doll,
which we’re going to talk about in a little bit, that Dani included something in
relation to that in her book. So, your book, the title, Hello,
Who is this Margaret? Does it have something to do with what many of us in our
generation grew up with, Are you there God? it’s me, Margaret.
Dani: It does. My take on
it was that the woman on the cover is God and Margaret is still calling her.
Yeah. So it’s kind of like, get on with it. Why are you still calling me,
you know? So, but it can be interpreted any, I mean, some people don’t
even know that reference. So they just respond to the, to the cover,
to who’s the woman, you know, that kind of thing. So I just thought the lady’s
face was funny. And I thought, yes. So the short answer is yes. Yes.
Yes.
Bridgett: Well, I mean, most women can relate to that book, but you also bring up (the book)
Forever in one of your essays as well, which I feel like everybody in our
demographic had an encounter with the book Forever.
Dani: I think it’s like an unsung hero. Such an impact. And I know that they tried to do, or maybe they did
a movie or a movie of the week Forever. But it just had such an impact.
And I read it when I was way too young and lots of questions. And I think my
parent, I don’t know, my mom checked out. So I was on my own. But it had such an
impact on me. It was, it was so profound and out there and sexy.
And I mean, I didn’t know what the hell I was reading.
Bridgett: Same here. I think I was in sixth grade and everybody was talking about it. And I was like, what are they talking about? And they had it in our library at school.
Dani: That is so progressive.
Bridgett: It is. And this is Kentucky. So isn’t that
crazy?
Dani: I mean, no offense to Kentuckians. Right. Yes. I mean,
I, this was New York, Westchester County. And I was the one that brought it to the
school.
I felt my fifth grade class needed to know.
Bridgett: And I love your mother’s reaction.
Can you share that in the book where you got called to the office?
Dani: Yes. Yes. Yes. I brought it to school. I read all the dirty parts out loud as if
like I had gone, you know, personal experience. None. Had no idea the words I was
saying. And it got around to a good friend of mine who’s still my friend, her
mother, and she would have none of it. She was appalled. She came to school, went
to the nurse’s office. I got called into the nurse’s office. My mom got called into
the nurse’s office. And the nurse and my friend’s mom are looking at my mom like,
“how could you, like poor parenting?” And my mom turned to them and she was like,
“I’m just glad she could read.”
Bridgett: Oh, my gosh. I mean, I do love that because,
you know, you kind of were a free range kid, you know? But there’s a lot of gifts
in that as well. I mean, you’re alive.
Dani: I am all the time to my friends like,
“God, we made it out alive.: Like, yeah. I mean, go down the list of no cell phones
and calling parents, coming home in the dark. I mean, nobody knew where we were.
There was obvious pay phones. Nobody was carrying around change for payphone. So
it was like, yeah, well, we made it. We made it. It is so wild.
Bridgett: Yes. And that’s what I really like about the essays that you’ve written. It just
kind of, when somebody in our demographic reads this book, it triggers something that
just brings back similarities and connections, and that’s really nice. And I mean,
there’s a lot in there. I really loved the part about meeting the famous people.
And in the book, and I’m going to refer to, you said Chas instead of Chaz.
Dani: Chas, yeah. You’re right.
Bridgett: Yes. Cher’s child and was Chastity when you and I were younger.
And I loved Sonny and Cher too. That was, I had an older sister who would babysit
me that night because my other siblings had swim meets the night it was on. So
that was my thing. And when Chastity at the time came on, I was just beside
myself. I was so excited. Could you share a little bit about that whole story?
Dani: Oh, it was, I mean, never mind the Cher obsession, but when Chastity came on,
I mean, she was so cute. And I, my mom wasn’t singing around the house or doing
anything fun. I wanted to be Chastity. I mean, I thought maybe I was adopted,
maybe, you know, oh, maybe. I’m waiting for that,
you know, knock on the door. But there was something about her
being on stage, which is where I always wanted to be, and getting to just look
like so much fun, you know, mother -daughter and even with Sonny. So it was just
one of these things that I lit up. I couldn’t wait. And I, and you know, you
never knew if she was going to be on the episode. So you would wait. I would
wait. And like, oh, I hope she’s on this episode. I hope she’s on. And then when
she came on, it was like, I don’t know what it was. I mean, honestly, it’s hard
to articulate, but some, like, light bulb went off. Some joy, like,
like, bubbled up. And it was just so fun. She was so natural. And it was
also so, so nice to see this icon relate, like,
as a mother, and relating, as a mother, not this not this icon in Bob Mackie gowns
but like she was Chastity’s mom and you could see that relationship which I loved.
Bridgett: Right and seeing somebody our age on tv! It wasn’t scripted she was just on it. It wasn’t a sitcom and she was so honest open, um I think one time she said she had to go pee.
And I remember just being so excited. So in Dani’s book,
she also includes that she had a Cher doll. And in my background, if you’re
watching the YouTube, I have my Cher doll next to Dolly Parton, the Bionic Woman,
three icons, you know. I know, I know.
Dani: You have the Bionic Woman.
Bridgett: I know. It’s just, yeah, she’s awesome. I have two Dolly Partons. I have one
downstairs. I think that was so remarkable.
And then you actually meet her later.
Dani: Well, oh, Chastity.
Yes. We don’t give away too much. That’s right, right. But yes, friends of mine,
knew friends through my husband, ex -husband, I mean,
they’re musicians. And,
was just so surreal and it wasn’t disappointing. You know they say don’t meet people
that you revere when you’re younger you’ll be disappointed. It was so weird
and like this is my reality, um but she’s just great. She was like it was you know
just a person.
Bridgett: I love the encounters that you met, but you
also did a lot of things. I think that a lot of women in this time of life can
really relate to. And it’s just trying to find something fulfilling or you’re working
so hard and what you’re doing. Your dream, like you said, was to be on
stage. And you have a lot of great encounters. And then you have near misses,
Dani: you know that was going to be the title of the book.
Bridgett: Oh, Near Misses?
Dani: Yeah. Almost. Oh. So close. Not quite.
Bridgett: it’s still fulfilling.
I mean, you know, you’ve still done fulfilling things. Yes. Like in the moment,
maybe not thinking that this is so fulfilling because it’s so painful. you know,
Dani: I’ve chosen a profession that is just replete with pain and frustration and rejection
and to the point where you’re just immune to it, you get immune to it. But yes,
now, yes, what am I trying to say?
Bridgett: You’re fulfilled or there’s fulfillment?
Dani: I mean, I don’t think one is truly ever fulfilled. If they’re curious and if they
want to taste things in life. And I think that’s why I’ve done so many different
things, is because I’ve never really been a hundred percent fulfilled or satisfied,
not in a negative way with one thing. It’s, you know, I’ll do this thing.
But then what’s that? I’d like to try that. To me, it’s about trying and not
getting
so complacent maybe in one thing and you’re always trying to find your community and where you belong. And that evolves too. So what were,
what was my community or my tribe, my people at 25 is not at 50.
You know what I mean? So your priorities change, your wants, change, your needs
change. So I kind of just, I don’t know, I just try to keep going with,
with that feeling, but it’s not all sunshine and moon being.
Bridgett: But yeah,
that really struck me with your travel, because you know, it’s great. You’re doing
these adventures, but not every time it’s what you expect it.
Dani: It’s never what I expect. And I think the lesson there is stop having so many
expectations. I mean, Buddhism is about not having any expectations.
And then you won’t be so disappointed. We get so disappointed and
cause so much pain because we have all these expectations. I don’t know.
I mean, I’m getting a, I’m getting a little bit better at lowering the expectations.
I don’t know if I can completely go, you know, cold turkey, no expectations.
I think that’s a tall order.
Bridgett:It’s funny too, because in the book, you’re kind of
relaying your stream of thought about what’s going to happen. And then it
doesn’t happen. But I think that that’s just probably your creativity, a part of
you.
Dani: You know, we all anticipate, I think, like because that maybe is a little
comforting to think, okay, what am I, what is going to happen here right yeah or
what you’re hoping to happen right and then I think it’s what do you do
when it doesn’t happen. And when you don’t get what you expected
and what do you do in the disappointment. So I think that’s what my book is a
lot about because, and I say, you know, oh my God, so many losses and so many
disappointments and so many rejections. I don’t say that in a like, let’s get out
the violins and poor me. I say it really as a way to show people or maybe help
one person or give some support and confidence to people that you just keep going.
Yeah. I’m like, I have been down, down, down, down. And I’ve been really, really
- And so it’s like, how do you manage
to do this. I wouldn’t because it’s oh it’s so painful on so many highs and lows
but how but then you’re kind of then you’re denying who you are. So really I
mean people always talk about this balance and it truly is it’s like you can get
so laser focused and then miss out on things. Like well what you know,
that door is slightly open. Why don’t maybe go through it?
Bridgett: Right. And I know
like when you, you went to Iceland and you just had gone through a really bad
breakup. And what hit me too was when you mentioned in the book that I always gave
up where I really wanted to go. Could you share what’s in that story.
Dani: But I think that so many women do that.
I was just reading a poem, and I can’t remember the poet’s name,
but it’s saying this exact thing. Like, I laughed at your jokes when they weren’t
funny. I ate at a restaurant when I don’t eat meat.
I went here and I really wanted to go there. So, Yes. And I actually went through
- I relive those feelings again the other day when I was reading this because
it’s like at this age, I can’t believe that I did that. Like that is not who I
am now and it would never happen again. So, I had to go through that and
learn that lesson again? Like how many times do I need to keep learning these
lessons? But I think I got it now. I think I’m good. But yeah, it’s, you’re trying
to impress somebody. You’re trying, I’m a people pleaser. So I was like,
oh, I’ll do that. And it’s this female, helpless,
almost characteristic that I had. And I, I look back and I’m like, oh, my God, I
cannot believe that I denied myself. And it wasn’t until Iceland that I realized
like, oh, my God, I am back. Like, I left for several years to be with this
person and did these things. And I don’t regret most of it. But
I would never do that again.
Bridgett: I mean, it’s so easy now,
20/20, but you lose yourself.
Dani: You lose yourself in other people. You lose yourself in
jobs, you lose, you know, and really trying to hold on to who you are and put
your foot down, like, you know what? No, that’s not, that’s not what I want to do.
That’s not where I want to go at the risk of losing that person.
And I think that if that person, if you’re going to lose that person over, you
know, going to a vegetarian restaurant or for your need asking that your needs are
met, then they’re not, then that is not the person for you.
Bridgett: That’s exactly right. I
mean, we have heard that so much. And like you said, it is so easy to look back
on that. You don’t know that’s happening when you’re in it.
Dani: You do, though. I argue
that.
Bridgett: Oh, you do?
Dani: You do. See, I feel like I don’t until I reflect. Well, it’s,
it’s that little little itty -bitty voice in your in your gut and you know when
you’re doing it at least for me, I can’t speak for anybody else, but in me it was
like you just, there’s just this little tiny tiny voice that’s screaming actually
and but you do it anyway it’s not loud enough obviously for you to stop but I
think it is like, I knew that it wasn’t right, you know,
that I was giving, giving. I was, abandoning myself over and over again,
way too much for it to been like, um, um, uh,
just glaring at you or something. So anyway,
Iceland turned around. It was miraculous.
Bridgett: Oh, it sounds gorgeous.
I have not been. My daughter has been.
Dani: Oh, my God. It’s absolutely stunning.
But also, like, finding yourself. I mean, not to sound a woo -woo, but it’s like
finding yourself again, like reminding yourself who you are.
Oh my God. It was like everything. It was everything.
Bridgett You know what you just said.
I think when I was younger, I didn’t realize it was happening. But as I think that
was one of my gifts of like going through this whole midlife thing is that now you
know it’s okay to say “no”. And I’m fortunate that my partner was fine with that,
that my husband was fine with that. But there’s a lot of people, I see it in my
family, I see it everywhere, where this shift happens and somebody doesn’t like
what’s happening, you know, that this thing has happened. They don’t want to, they
don’t want to serve you all the time. And things don’t work out.
Dani: Right. Well, because you’re changing as we grow. I always say like with my friends, y we’re either going to grow together or we’re going to grow apart. So
it’s the thing it’s like with in any relationship it’s like you’re either
going to come with me or you’re not but you are going to support if I change the
script on you. It’s like that’s why it’s so important now if any young- uns are
listening, like set up what want early in the relationship. This is what you’re going
to get used to or what the other person is going to get used to. So be real
clear, I think, about how you’re going to set this relationship up. Because once you
start changing the script, the other person’s like, “well, wait a minute. I thought
we were doing this thing.” “It’s like, well, no, I don’t want to do that thing
anymore. Well, I want to do this thing.” So, if you’re lucky, like you said with
your partner, like they’ll come, they’ll be open enough.
Bridgett: I think it’s threatening. I think
people are threatened by change.
Dani: Oh, yeah. It’s uncomfortable.
Bridgett: any kind of change, new jobs change. It’s uncomfortable. If
you move, it’s uncomfortable. And especially relationships, it can be uncomfortable,
especially when you’re used to the status quo. You know, dinner is at this time and
it is made and it is on the table and yeah and if you’re and if you realize like
you’re a person who like wants some flexibility and like you don’t want to keep
doing the same thing you have to you have to say so you have to speak up.
Dani: I’m still learning to speak. Nobody really likes confrontation so and I know
this is such a cliché, but no is a complete sentence.
Bridgett: Yes. Colleen says that all the time. She is. She’s like, no, is a complete
sentence.
Dani: And it’s hard. But if you keep doing it, if you keep saying no, it gets
so easy. Like, I don’t want to go to that thing. I don’t. No, thank you. You
know, oh my God, it gets so much easier.
Bridgett: Oh, It totally does. And
sometimes it’s so nice to see someone else say it. And I don’t know why. I feel
like I have to have permission or an excuse and it was great we’re like in a
mahjong group and we also have book club tomorrow so all of us in the mahjong are
in the book club and it was like “are we going to play mahjong” tomorrow like
Colleen’s in it she’s like “well I have a new grandchild so I will not be there”
and then one of the the eldest ones in the groups is like “I can only do one thing a
day” and it was like we were all like “yeah thank you< you you’re never going to be
the only one thinking that.”
Dani: right right you always think like oh god I’m going to
be the only one that that doesn’t want to go and it’s like and I was telling
a friend the other day like, “trust me when you tell her that you don’t want
to do this thing, she’s going to be relieved”
Bridgett: yeah I mean, it is it’s so it’s like
I won’t do it on the day of because the person might have gone and bought things unless
a true, true emergencies happens. But just being open and what’s so nice about this
time of life is when somebody does that, you’re not upset. You’re just like, you’re
happy or you’re just like, I’m so glad they were honest. And I don’t know,
it’s like permission.
Dani: Right. Be honest. Right. We’ve spent so much of our lives,
especially females, people pleasing. We do it everywhere and
anywhere. At work, home, family members, we don’t want to be upsetting. We all want to be the good girl so it’s really quite powerful and I also think that it
matters who you surround yourself with. Like I have friends who all I
need to say is no. Like I don’t need to give you a reason nobody cares. I don’t have time to hear your reasons or your excuses or whatever. Just yes
or no. Like, sometimes I’ll get a novel written by somebody like why they can’t do
- It’s like, oh, my God. Spend your time doing something else. Like, just say no.
I’m not going to make a whole narrative movie in my head about why can’t she come
with me. We’re not, you know, we’re past that.
Bridgett: Yeah, we’re past that.
We’re past the middle school age of doing all that. But I really did love the
story, too, how you went back to your parents’ house, but they
weren’t there during COVID. And just that time, during COVID is such a crazy time.
I mean, I think we’re all about in recovery, but then we’ve got other things, you
know, to recover from. And, You know, dealing with aging parents is an
issue too, but yours sound pretty healthy right now.
Dani: thank goodness, they are but it definitely started me thinking, which I wasn’t thinking. I mean, this was
five years ago. I wasn’t thinking about them getting older or dying. They were never
going to die. And then COVID, and then being in their house and being there alone
and just getting scared, more scared every day and about them.
And I was planning their funerals and who’s going to, you know, give the eulogy
and, oh, am I going to have time to write that? And, you know, I mean, cleaning
up the attic. I mean, I was, I went a little nutty. It was a
mental time. And since then, I’ve become a hovering child,
not a helicopter child, not a helicopter parent. I’m so annoying.
I am so annoying. They look at me like, all right, because they go down to
Florida, they just left for half the year. And I said, you’ve got two more days
with me and then I’ll be out of your hair. But please turn the light on when you
walk down the stairs. I’m not coming to visit you in the hospital. I’m just not
doing it, so help me, you know. So I’m senior proofing their
house. I mean nobody tells you anything about this kind of stuff. Like there should
be a class in school
about it. Especially now when people are living longer right? My friend’s mom is
97! She’s not prepared. Who’s prepared for that right?
Bridgett: I’m the second youngest of 12 kids. Yeah, 12.
So I’m number 11. So my parents have passed away. My dad has been over 20 years.
My dad, my mother, it’s been about 12 years. But, but it’s my husband’s father
we’re dealing with issues now.
And it’s like, oh my gosh, so I’ve done this
nutty planning because I want it to be so easy for my kids. Even though I’m 57,
I’m like, we need to do this. We need to have this. I want to go ahead and
plan our funerals. My husband looks at me like what? But I said, if something
happened to us, both at the same time, I want my kids to be like, open
a book in here. I don’t want them to have to scramble. But that’s so funny, the
helicopter child.
Dani: I think that it’s trademarked people. You can’t use it.
Don’t get any ideas. Well, I tell my parents that. I said,
please, because I don’t have a great relationship with my brother. But I said, but
I mean, we’ll be fine when push comes to shove. But I said, please make sure that
everything, not only is everything in writing, but you are making copious notes as
to who do I call, when do I call, what’s over here, where can I find the thing?
I mean, nobody wants to have these conversations. It’s not, nobody said it was
fun, but I know me and I’m going to be absolutely out of my mind when if the
time comes. So when I put it like that, I say, you help me because I know I like
I know what I know, so if you can help me with that, that
would be great. Now in the end my mother is more like well, it’s going to be really
up to you. My mother doesn’t want to deal. My mother
doesn’t care what happens to anything. It’s going to be for me and my brother.
Bridgett: oh boy we dealt with that. And thank God. I mean, one of my poor
sisters was the executor. She’s a CPA. So to divide stuff between 12 kids. Not that we had a ton. Yeah. But yeah,
it was, we drew numbers. We drew numbers and whoever they got the next thing on
the list. And it worked out. You know, it really did. We still speak to each other.
Dani: and that’s all you want. Yeah, I’m not into stuff I don’t want. I’m the opposite of my
parents. Like they’re like, um more is more! I’m like, less is more! They’re more is
more yes. I’m like, “oh my god stop buying stuff! It’s just going to end up in a garage
sale stop!
Bridgett: yes exactly! I loved reading that in your book going through just all the
things that they had. I was, I was dying. I was like, oh, gosh. And then it made
me think, I need to go clean out my garage right now.
Dani: Well, like, you know, my
parents are still around so I can ask them questions and “do you want this?” And
let’s get rid of it now. And, you know, so we don’t have to. It’s, I think that’s
a blessing, actually, to be able to go through stuff with your parents when they’re
alive. So you ask them questions and what do they feel about it and do you want
me to keep you know what you know what I mean instead of like oh god now I have
to make this decision all of them and like they’re going to they’re looking down on
me and they’re angry that I threw this in the garbage. Seriously you wanted
me to keep the three wheeled suitcase? Is that what I’m hearing?
Bridgett: oh I know! I’m like “oh god, why did I get wedding china ?” My
daughter wouldn’t even eat off of it when she was younger.
Well, with your book and everything,
do you want to continue the essays? Do you still write different happenings or do
you want to continue another book?
Dani: um gosh uh I don’t know. To be honest with you. I
have a lot of notes and jottings and ideas and I’m looking now more
towards maybe some performing, getting back to performing. I would like to be reading some of these essays live. That has been really fun so I’m hoping to do more of that.
My social media manager is dragging me, kicking and screaming to do social media
bits. And I feel like maybe going back to my roots and more like long
form stuff or not short Instagram stuff. I don’t know. It’s all sort of
figuring it out. I don’t really have a yes, this is what I’m doing next.
But I think it would be more essays. I don’t know. My memoir was,
The Girlfriend Mom, and I enjoyed that, but I’d like short
better. And I also like the idea that people can read one, put it down,
come back. You know what I mean? So it’s not such a commitment.
Bridgett: Oh, I mean,
that’s got to be so difficult to do. And I mean, like to get a book together in
the first place. I mean, to get a publisher, to get, like, you know, going around
doing press and everything is, it’s got to be really hard. It is.
Dani: Yeah. But you
tell me what is easy. If you can tell me, I swear I will do.
I know, I keep doing these hard things, but I feel like everything is hard. It is.
It requires the effort to go through.
Bridgett: But, you know, It is. But I think I think
women would really enjoy it. I went to an event in Charleston that we helped put
- And some women there reading their essays. And it was, it was great.
It was called Pass the Mic for Peri Menopause. But a lot of the
women were menopausal, just sharing their little stories. Just so funny.
Just, you know, things about somebody that always puts their shopping cart back, which I do.
And you know how the people that put the menus back, if they’re stacked up at the
counter, they put them back in the little hole, just things like that. It’s very
specific. It was so funny just hearing these readings.
Dani: And I think we need to laugh
more. I don’t want to be so presumptuous to say that my book is a laugh,
right? But I think from the feedback that I’ve gotten, it’s like even a couple of
chuckles, like matters.
Bridgett: Oh, definitely. It’s too horrible out there.
Dani: And I know I’m
rereading all of David Sedaris’s books now because it’s the only thing that I can
like laugh out loud makes me feel good. I don’t have to really think in a serious
kind of way. And it’s just a release. And it I gosh, I just think we need that.
So that’s one, that’s also why I write what I write.
Bridgett: And I like, I think the connection. I think I said that the beginning, it’s just
the connection. When you’re somebody that grew up when we grew up and you read
these essays and you’re like, oh yeah, I remember what that was like. Well, that’s
so sweet. Yeah, it is. Like I remember the book Forever. And I remember watching
Sonny and Cher. And I love how, even though I grew up on land in Kentucky
and you grew up in New York, we connect on these events. Isn’t that wonderful? Right. You still make those connections. It’s easy to read and it’s, you know, little short sections,
but it’s very easy to read. So it’s just fun.
Dani: I mean, I write what I like what I like to read. You know, I love pop culture and going
back to a simpler time. I know, we sound like our parents, but yeah,
no, but it is. It’s true.
Bridgett: I want to thank you so much for being on Hot Flashes and Cool Topics.
Again, I’m going to hold the book up again for anybody watching YouTube. Hello, Who
is This, Margaret? So, and God looks really upset right there. She’s like,
Margaret, come on. And Dani, come
on Hot Flashes and Cool Topics again. If you
ever do another book or if there’s a show somewhere where Colleen and I are near,
we’d love to catch it.
Dani: I would love that. And thank you for having me again. It’s
been a real pleasure.
Bridgett: Oh, thank you.